I have a few books by a woman named Sabrina Ward Harrison. She is a beautiful, personal artist and writes about life things along with her art. Anyway...I was reading through some of the pages I had marked a while back and wanted to share a few of my favorites with you (from the book Spilling Open):

"Oh this is what I need in love: spinning in the sun an laughing really hard. I need desire and "Ahhh's" and I need to be told brave true words. I need myself just as I am. I need my voice. I need a partner who will giggle & cherish me to my bones. I need real, real, real genuineness and and I need strength. I need true loving gestures & lots of drawing on the floor. I need honest dinner time talking. I need to be met halfway. I need to feel needed. I need to surrender. I need to feel understood. I need to not be mocked when I am being real. I need true kindness and love that glows brightly."

"Remember I don't have to be cool. I do not have to be slender. I do not have to be tricky. I do not have to be smooth. I do not have to be silent. I do not have to be loud. I do not have to be slick. I do not have to be her. I do not have to be loved by him to be okay. I do not have to hold on so tightly. I do not have to agree to be accepted. I do not have to wear cover-up. I do not have to be covered-up. I do not have to predict. I do not have to prepare (for the pain). I do not have to grasp. I do not have to have the answer. I do not have to be better. I do not have to be cool. I only have to be who I am."

"I think God leaves me alone to let me find my own strength because no one else can give it to me for me. Sometimes it is very lonely - but I know the lonely times teach me the most. I must let go in order to let everything in."

"Knowing someone else's life is passing away makes me want to show up living now - not 'then' when 'things' are taken care of and the weather is warm. TODAY I have a chance to make a difference now. I have the chance to help heal some of my own broken places and hopefully someone else's. We must realize that what we do matters. Our love matters truly. What remains that is good to others long after I am gone (that's why we are here). Life is too short to be cruel. It is too short to suck-in, hold in, not forgive. We just don't have time. Love is all there is to do. Forgive yourself."

"I am realizing that I am enough as is - a work in progress. I have looked at the love that surrounds me...the new love and hidden love and desired love. But something changes when I slowly turn my love towards myself. That's when my life becomes vividly full color. I think in healing ourselves we can take part in healing the world. I can see the life in me, I can stop hiding my freckles. I can look deeply into my own eyes and high up into the branches of trees. I can become myself."

A childhood friend, John's band: Apollo Run.

I'm off to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with my family tomorrow! Merry Christmas...

I need some Christmas spirit. Yes, it's just now December, but I feel like I'm missing out on the holidays and if I'm careful, they'll pass right by without me even noticing. This was my first Thanksgiving not in Ohio and it was just weird. I've always flown back to Ohio for Thanksgiving to be with family and friends. We relax at home, play games as a family, have the Farmer family over for dinner and just laugh a lot. And I get to spend time with favorite high school friends. And it's colder and holiday-like.

Being in California for Thanksgiving was different because of the weather, but also because it was a change in tradition. We didn't spend the day with the Farmers and we didn't have a nice casual intimate dinner. We were lucky enough to be with our family friends out here, but it was a much bigger more elaborate deal than I'm used to...and I missed out on seeing my best friends and, more importantly, the birth of little Calleigh McCane. Oh I was so sad Wednesday and Thursday of last week.

Now I'm craving just a little bit of the holiday spirit. I will be going with my family to Mexico on vacation for Christmas, so I won't get that warm homey feeling then, either. I get to visit Ohio next weekend and get a little taste of home, but other than that I will have to get to work here bringing the holidays into our apartment. I started with some Christmas lights around the TV to make me feel better.

Perhaps I will convince my roommate to come with me and actually go out and buy a real tree for the first time since I was about 10.

Today I am so grateful for true friendships. I just had coffee with my dear friend Becky - probably the one I am closest to out here in San Diego. I poured out my heart to her...everything going on in my life...my doubts...my fears...my dreams...my excitement. She listened earnestly and gave amazing comfort and support. She gave me real answers. She is a true friend who cares deeply and I can't say how wonderful it is to have her in my life. It's rare to find a friend with such a big heart and encouraging faith. Thank you Becks. You're one in a million.

i miss josh.

I know I have mentioned this in previous posts, but I feel as if my heart is planted in the midwest. The past four years in California have been amazing. This time has been instrumental in who I am today...personal discoveries, getting involved in the community, a fantastic job, wonderful people...

...but through all of that, I still find myself yearning to be in Ohio. I've thought for a while I would eventually move back...and each day that goes by that desire grows. True, I have even more reason to move back now. A piece of my heart lives in Ohio and I yearn to be near.

So here I am, wondering what to do. When to take a step towards Ohio. How to take a step. So many questions about leaving here and making my way there. Do I wait for 'the right time' or do I just go ahead and take as many steps as possible until it happens? And what if I move there and decide I miss it in California? Both places are like home and I anticipate that I will always miss one place, no matter where I end up.

Because there is no clear answer, I will continue to pray. Continue to take baby steps until I feel clear direction (hopefully I will feel clear direction at some point!). Any advice?

I'm having an overwhelming day in terms of emotions. I feel incredibly happy and excited....and yet worried and anxious at the same time. When you come to a point in your life where you need to make a decision...a change...all of a sudden you wish doors would just open to point you in the right direction. Sometimes having options can be a hard thing. How do you know you're making the right choice? I suppose you just take a leap and pray for the best, knowing you have people in your life who will support you regardless.

Yes, yes....lots of vagueness, I know. But I feel that the above applies to many things in my life that I don't need to go into detail about individually at this moment.

On another note, my best friend from high school ("Sass") came to visit this past weekend. It was so nice to have her here for a bit and see my life. And such an honor to be able to shop for a wedding dress with her! Our first stop was the beach (photo above). The rest of the weekend we went shopping, walked around, watched movies, relaxed, experienced Little Italy Festa, and just enjoyed hanging out with each other. Shopping for wedding dresses with Sass was so much fun. I loved seeing her facial expressions as she tried on each dress....knowing immediately what she thought. And I loved seeing her face as she tried on 'the' dress (although she didn't necessarily settle on it yet). I just saw her face light up and she couldn't hide her smile. Seeing Sass happy is one of the most wonderful things I could experience...she deserves the world. I have to admit, that it's very difficult to shop for wedding dresses without imagining yourself in one. It's hard to talk about wedding plans without secretly planning your own in your head. We all know that's a ways off and I'm desperately trying to stay grounded here. Regardless - I loved the weekend. I love being dreamy. And I'm hoping to have some clear direction soon.

It was a crafty day. After the Chargers game with family and friends (along with Newlyweds Next Door), I came back and finally made a camera strap I've been wanting to make for a while after one of my favorite friends, Bre, showed me her finished strap.

It's a simple project for those of you who are new to sewing and it only took about 30 minutes from beginning to end. You'll see that my cat, Geneva was a lot of help, sitting in the middle of my fabric. :)

To find this pattern, go to the Design Sponge blog!

God's timing is so mysterious. I expect He has a plan of some sort, although it's hard to imagine what that is at this time. Do you ever just wanna know His plan so bad it makes you want to scream? That's how I feel this week. I want to know the purpose of the placement of people and things in my life at this moment. I want to know what step to make next and what the outcome will be. I want clear direction.

A whole month? Wow...sorry I'm so lame. But, like most things, there is a perfectly good excuse: I'm losing my mind!

I've been the most stressed I've ever been in my life. Just too many things going on at once. Work has been crazy with one less person around and I can't seem to get everything I need done. On top of that, I have class two nights a week from 5:30-9:30. And then we got fleas! In our apartment! So there were days of getting them off the cat, having someone come spray...and then a week or two later realizing they were back (sigh). So yesterday they came and sprayed again. And it's a much bigger ordeal than you would think. All the stress has caused a headache to take residence in the left side of my face. After 10 days of said headache I went away for the weekend to Chicago to visit friends and attend a wedding. I had so much fun in Chi-town that I thought I had rid myself of the headache all together. Until I arrived home Sunday night to cat barf on my down comforter and an evening of vacuuming and moving furniture in preparation of the flea spraying dude. Today the headache is back. Day 13. I'm hoping I get some more things accomplished at work this week and when I finish class on Wednesday I will feel a little less stressed and this headache will surrender.

I promise not to complain in every post.

Birthday fun!

First of all, happy birthday to Lis Loves! She happens to be my blogger birthday twin.

Secondly, I have about a million things to be thankful for this 26th birthday of mine. I had a super fun weekend with many friends from all walks of life. The celebrating really started on Thursday for me when I got last minute tickets to Coldplay with a friend of mine. We were in the pit about 10 feet from the stage and had a RIDICULOUS time. That concert was right up there with Radiohead on my best concerts ever list. SO GOOD.

Friday I got to sleep in a little and meet my co-workers at the beach around noon for an outside planning session. We just enjoyed the sunshine for a bit before talking for a couple hours in the sun. Later that evening we went to a local bar to hear our friends Moxy Bullets play. I went to bed relatively early because Saturday I woke up at 5:45am!

Saturday consisted of a whole lot of sunshine and fun. A friend of mine invited me to join some folks on a boat around Mission Bay. We cruised, went wakeboarding, tubing, stopped on fiesta island and watched the Over the Line tournament, and just had a bunch of fun. That night my good friend Bryan and his girlfriend drove in from Arizona to enjoy birthday celebrations. We went downtown with my roommate and another friend and had a couple drinks and danced for a bit.

Sunday I had a pool party at a family friend's house (pictured above). This is my third birthday pool party and it's the best way to celebrate in my opinion! Just chilling in the sunshine hanging out with friends. The best part about the day was just having good friends hanging out with me and having my parents show up in the middle of the day! The reason this is exciting is because my mom finally moved out to San Diego so my parents are living 25 minutes from me now. And Maggie, our golden retriever, too! After the pool party we went to Balboa Park to see Moxy Bullets play (again) at the pride festival and then went out to eat dinner at Ortega's - YUMMY Mexican.

I had a wonderful weekend, but MAN am I exhausted! Thanks to all my friends (especially Teresa who helped out so much on Sunday) who helped me celebrate!!

Goodbye house! Goodbye Oxford!

This past weekend I flew back to Ohio to be together with my family in Oxford for one of the last times. I grew up in Oxford and spent my first 21 years there. My parents built our house on Deer Trail and we moved in when I was 6 years old. This weekend we stood inside the empty house as a family and reminisced. We measured our heights on the wall in the basement one more time, marking each height with a pen. We took photos, celebrated with dear friends, and shed tears (some of us, at least). Oxford will always be home.

Kirkmont is the place where I feel at home the most. I went to this camp from 3rd grade all the way through high school. It was the one thing throughout the year I told my parents I couldn't miss. The people there are always encouraging and it's one place in the world where we all feel we can be who we are without judgement. My faith grew exponentially through my experiences at Kirkmont and I love that place to the moon and back.

I hadn't been to Kirkmont since 2001. And then I got an email from a few people I used to camp with asking for counselors for this summer. I decided to take a week off of work (two weeks ago) and fly back to Ohio to be a counselor and it was the best decision I've made all year. My first trip back in 8 years was just as I remembered. The people are the same, the songs are the same, the traditions are still in place, and my heart was just as full when I left. I went through camp withdrawal the moment I got home (and I still miss it terribly!).

I couldn't possibly explain Kirkmont to where anyone else could understand unless they've been there. But it warms my heart every time I look back through photos from the week. I hope I can continue to go back for a week each year!

What is wrong with people??

I was just driving home from the grocery store and was in the left turn lane at a red light. There was a man in front of me talking on his cell phone while he drove...illegally (for you non-Californians). When the left turn arrow turned green, the man was still on his cell phone looking down. I waited a few seconds and then gave my horn a light tap and when he looked up, gave a nice little wave - in my mind, letting him know I was just being polite to let him know the light hand changed. He, however, did not find it so helpful. He chose to drive into the middle of the intersection to turn, slow down until the light turned yellow, and then stuck his arm out of the window, fully extended, to make sure I saw then prompt middle finger he was throwing in my direction (still on the cell phone with the other hand). Then, he continued through the intersection, leaving me in front of the next red left turn signal to wait through another round of traffic.

Thanks jerk.

And so I ask....WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE???

Does anyone else out there use Google Reader? I've been using it for quite sometime and can't get over how amazing it is. Imagine having to go through each website on your own each day...to check and see if they've updated. I follow around 30 blogs so this would be an incredible time waster if it wasn't for Google Reader!

Anyway, I've been following Newlyweds Next Door for a while (she's a childhood friend) and she recently referred me to Lis Loves who I now follow on Google Reader, as well. She is even my birthday twin! She's giving away gifts during her birthday month...you should check it out here!

I love to rollerblade - and yes I know that it's from the "90s". I'm not big on cooking and I get stressed out when I do cook for other people. I can't live without music and don't ever ask me what my favorite song is - it's just not possible. I will always be a midwestern girl at heart, although I can't imagine living anywhere but San Diego right now. I love food and will eat almost anything, but I hate olives. I hate when people say "why aren't you dating anyone??" as if I had a choice. I also hate that the peope I love the most...who know me best...are all the way in Ohio. I love that I get to help out less fortunate people every day through my job. I feel incredibly blessed to have had the family and life that I do. I wish I had unlimited money...not for myself...but so I could help all of the deserving people I hear about every day. And so I could visit my friends in Ohio more often. I don't like talking on the phone that much. I love holding hands and giving hugs. I had my first full cup of coffee this year. I don't need to eat dessert...unless you stick a chocolate chip cookie in front of me - I can't resist. I believe in God and Jesus with all my heart...but I constantly wish I understood the direction my life is going. I have a horrible time getting motivation to work out, but I'm finally doing it at least once a week for the first time in my life. I love to organize and I would come organize your closet for you for free if you asked. I know I'm a freak for that. I'm more of a t-shirt and jeans girl (which is why I don't fit in with the SoCal girls) - but every once and a while it's fun to get all dressed up. I wish I could find a church in San Diego I liked that was closer than 30 minutes away. I have a horrible habit of feeling extremely guilty when I make mistakes. I can't stand when people don't use their turn signal and I talk to other cars on the road when I'm driving. I'm an awful backseat driver, but I'm working on it. I'm a hopeless romantic. I love photography, even though I'm not very good at it. I'm also a facebook adict. I'm a pro at tetris and I dare you to challenge me. I'm an over-reminiscer. I wish I was more crafty. I secretly want to be a stay-at-home-mom some day. I want to go on adventures and try new things. I tend to underestimate myself and hardly ever try as hard as I could. I constantly wish I was something more...something better.