Last night was the first of (what I imagine will be) many wedding dreams.
I was meeting all my girlfriends the day of the wedding at a restaurant. Our table was in front of a giant projection screen where we were scheduled to watch a show (don't remember what show/movie it was). I remember Aunt Jana and Kiernan showing up last and sitting down at the table with us. When it was time to get ready for the wedding, we left the restaurant and I remember the exit was like a haunted house. Once you pressed the button that opened the doors, there were 4-5 men dressed up in terrifying costumes. It was as if I had been there before, because I asked one of the people who worked there to tell them not to scare me...especially this one shorter guy whose face was painted all white with scary black painted features. They were really creepy, but the employee walked out with me and basically told them to lay off as I left the restaurant.
Then it jumped to me walking down the aisle (no bouquet). I don't remember anything else about the ceremony. All I recall is having a huge dinner afterward (it seemed like a fairly normal dinner, aside from its size...not reception-like). I remember my parents being there and the Sullivans, but there were many more in attendance. Part way through the meal, it dawned on me that no one was taking pictures and then I realized the photographer never showed up. I was devastated and ran away from the dinner crying. A few people tried to follow, but my mom stopped them and told them to let me be. As I was running up the stairs, I pictured myself walking down the aisle again and realized I didn't have a bouquet and that the florist must have forgotten, as well.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Last night's dream was so strange. Lately all I've been having is dreams about folding clothes or dealing with things at GAP, because it's where I've been working (sometimes 9 hour days).
In my dream last night, I went to the mall for a GAP Conference of some sort. I don't remember the beginning as much, but I remember afterward, they let us roam around the mall with our conference giveaway bags and name tags on. It was a huge mall with 3 or 4 floors. I walked around a little bit and then decided to go into Old Navy because I knew I could use my employee discount there. When I walked in, the main floor had clothes, but only in half of the room. You were required to walk through a maze of lane lines...as if you were in line for a rollercoaster. The first half of walking through that floor, the walls were all empty and I couldn't understand why. The second half had clothes lining the walls mostly out of reach, but none looked interesting anyway. I thought there must be more than this, so I took the stairs down to the basement hoping the Old Navy was just remodeling and there would be more options down there. To my confusion, it was dark and no clothes to be found. Instead, it lead me through the basement on a maze through a haunted house. I remember being quite scared a few times - especially when I cut through to find the exit and then realized it wouldn't open without a huge metal key that you were supposed to find earlier in the haunted house. I ran back for it and got myself out of there as fast as possible.
As I was walking away from Old Navy, I realized I had a voicemail on my phone. It was Julie (a person I was friends with years ago who lived in Brookville, IN). She was crying to me because she couldn't get ahold of anyone else and I immediately called her back. When she answered, she seemed so relieved to hear my voice and then told me something mumbled about her and Bill's engagement (she and old friend Bill Hodge are engaged in real life). Then she handed the phone off to someone and I realized it was Justin (boyfriend from when I was 17 from the same friend circle). Justin started to explain that they went on a trip somewhere and Bill went off on a date with a girl. When Justin asked how many dates like this he'd been on while he and Julie were engaged, he said many. While listening, I was weirded out, but also slowly coming to the conclusion that Bill had married someone 6 months ago...and never told Julie.
And then I woke.
In my dream last night, I went to the mall for a GAP Conference of some sort. I don't remember the beginning as much, but I remember afterward, they let us roam around the mall with our conference giveaway bags and name tags on. It was a huge mall with 3 or 4 floors. I walked around a little bit and then decided to go into Old Navy because I knew I could use my employee discount there. When I walked in, the main floor had clothes, but only in half of the room. You were required to walk through a maze of lane lines...as if you were in line for a rollercoaster. The first half of walking through that floor, the walls were all empty and I couldn't understand why. The second half had clothes lining the walls mostly out of reach, but none looked interesting anyway. I thought there must be more than this, so I took the stairs down to the basement hoping the Old Navy was just remodeling and there would be more options down there. To my confusion, it was dark and no clothes to be found. Instead, it lead me through the basement on a maze through a haunted house. I remember being quite scared a few times - especially when I cut through to find the exit and then realized it wouldn't open without a huge metal key that you were supposed to find earlier in the haunted house. I ran back for it and got myself out of there as fast as possible.
As I was walking away from Old Navy, I realized I had a voicemail on my phone. It was Julie (a person I was friends with years ago who lived in Brookville, IN). She was crying to me because she couldn't get ahold of anyone else and I immediately called her back. When she answered, she seemed so relieved to hear my voice and then told me something mumbled about her and Bill's engagement (she and old friend Bill Hodge are engaged in real life). Then she handed the phone off to someone and I realized it was Justin (boyfriend from when I was 17 from the same friend circle). Justin started to explain that they went on a trip somewhere and Bill went off on a date with a girl. When Justin asked how many dates like this he'd been on while he and Julie were engaged, he said many. While listening, I was weirded out, but also slowly coming to the conclusion that Bill had married someone 6 months ago...and never told Julie.
And then I woke.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Three strange dreams I can remember from last night:
I dreamt I was helping out at a daycare facility as a second job. All the kids I was watching had been picked up for the day so I was helping a woman with the three young ones who were left. As we walked back inside from the playground to change a little girl's diaper, the other woman there asked me to pick up the two boys books or lunchboxes to help keep them from fighting (weird, I know.). I picked up a lunchbox and a book off the shelf (there were only two options and one had pictures of the Peanuts crew on it). At this point, two women walked up to pick up the girl that was being changed. One of them said she was the girl’s aunt. I walked back inside to let the woman know the girl’s Aunt was here and she rolled her eyes and complained saying we were going to have to walk around the block and use a payphone to call the police since she didn’t know of an Aunt coming to pick the girl up.
All of a sudden, it jumped to me boarding a plane for somewhere. As I was getting ready to board, a woman stopped me and asked if I had purchased three books. I said yes, because I remembered having three earlier. Then it occurred to me that someone else was holding the third book as we walked through the line and then gave it to me after I had purchased the other two. They asked to search my bags and found the third one and confronted me about not paying for it. I tried to explain the mistake and then they asked to look at my bank statement to prove whether or not I had paid for them at all. I handed her my debit card….which she was somehow going to use to look up my account online. I begged her to let me enter my own pin number when it came up on the screen so I could maintain safety. She was going to allow me as long as I didn't tell anyone she let me behind the counter. I remember looking over at the plane that was waiting and seeing my parents watch me skeptically through the plane window. I was terrified because I realized I hadn't paid for the third book, but not intentionally.
I also had another dream where Josh and I were staying at a friend’s house. Turns out it was Sarah Julian’s house. In real life she is in college, but somehow she owned this huge mansion of a house. I remember being very envious. I also think she was only 16 in the dream. When we were cleaning up sleeping bags in the morning from sleeping in the basement, Laura Galdorisi called (a friend from San Diego) and asked if she could drop off our wedding gift while we were there – I said sure. Laura showed up with Megan Sullivan and disappeared into the downstairs. I walked around the room trying to find them, but all the doors surrounding the room were closed. Finally, we were sitting down at a table upstairs while Josh was packing up the car and Laura and Megan walked out holding a HUGE platter containing the largest helping of mashed potatoes I’ve ever seen with a bunch of toppings (mashed potato bar style). Laura was so proud of her gift because she KNEW I loved mashed potatoes so much (not necessarily in real life).
I dreamt I was helping out at a daycare facility as a second job. All the kids I was watching had been picked up for the day so I was helping a woman with the three young ones who were left. As we walked back inside from the playground to change a little girl's diaper, the other woman there asked me to pick up the two boys books or lunchboxes to help keep them from fighting (weird, I know.). I picked up a lunchbox and a book off the shelf (there were only two options and one had pictures of the Peanuts crew on it). At this point, two women walked up to pick up the girl that was being changed. One of them said she was the girl’s aunt. I walked back inside to let the woman know the girl’s Aunt was here and she rolled her eyes and complained saying we were going to have to walk around the block and use a payphone to call the police since she didn’t know of an Aunt coming to pick the girl up.
All of a sudden, it jumped to me boarding a plane for somewhere. As I was getting ready to board, a woman stopped me and asked if I had purchased three books. I said yes, because I remembered having three earlier. Then it occurred to me that someone else was holding the third book as we walked through the line and then gave it to me after I had purchased the other two. They asked to search my bags and found the third one and confronted me about not paying for it. I tried to explain the mistake and then they asked to look at my bank statement to prove whether or not I had paid for them at all. I handed her my debit card….which she was somehow going to use to look up my account online. I begged her to let me enter my own pin number when it came up on the screen so I could maintain safety. She was going to allow me as long as I didn't tell anyone she let me behind the counter. I remember looking over at the plane that was waiting and seeing my parents watch me skeptically through the plane window. I was terrified because I realized I hadn't paid for the third book, but not intentionally.
I also had another dream where Josh and I were staying at a friend’s house. Turns out it was Sarah Julian’s house. In real life she is in college, but somehow she owned this huge mansion of a house. I remember being very envious. I also think she was only 16 in the dream. When we were cleaning up sleeping bags in the morning from sleeping in the basement, Laura Galdorisi called (a friend from San Diego) and asked if she could drop off our wedding gift while we were there – I said sure. Laura showed up with Megan Sullivan and disappeared into the downstairs. I walked around the room trying to find them, but all the doors surrounding the room were closed. Finally, we were sitting down at a table upstairs while Josh was packing up the car and Laura and Megan walked out holding a HUGE platter containing the largest helping of mashed potatoes I’ve ever seen with a bunch of toppings (mashed potato bar style). Laura was so proud of her gift because she KNEW I loved mashed potatoes so much (not necessarily in real life).
Monday, June 20, 2011
From what I remember of last night's dream:
Josh and I went to the Contemporary Art Museum in San Diego (although it did not look like the actual museum in San Diego). When I turned around one dark corner, Josh was amidst the art completely naked. He thought he was being funny until I yelled at him and said they have security cameras and we could get arrested. He started sprinting for the front door and I tried to yell at him to come back as I grabbed his pile of clothes off the floor…
Josh and I went to the Contemporary Art Museum in San Diego (although it did not look like the actual museum in San Diego). When I turned around one dark corner, Josh was amidst the art completely naked. He thought he was being funny until I yelled at him and said they have security cameras and we could get arrested. He started sprinting for the front door and I tried to yell at him to come back as I grabbed his pile of clothes off the floor…
Monday, June 13, 2011
Last night I dreamt I went house hunting with my boyfriend and his mother (both of whom I didn’t recognize in real life). His m om had carpel tunnel and couldn’t get the needle and thread out of a piece of fabric so we helped. She gave us a tour of this house they were looking at and was talking about how it only had one bedroom so they weren’t sure about it. When we got to the bedroom, it wasn’t even enclosed with a door - it was more of a wide hallway that was big enough for bedroom furniture. In the back behind this hallway-type room, there was a small door that the three of us walked through and it was a skinny long room just big enough for a couple bunk beds end-to-end. That’s where my boyfriend was going to stay. It was so strange.
Afterward we went to dinner. (At this point, I’m with my actual fiancé, Josh). We were sitting at a table at an outdoor restaurant on the property of an old barn. Our table was enclosed kind of like a phone booth, but bigger. We spotted this girl Laura who went to my high school and her cute blonde boyfriend at a table across the way. I haven’t seen her in 10 years and we kept looking at them. When they got up from the table to go out and pay, she saw Josh staring at her and she walked over to our table. For some reason I had taken my jeans off, so I had an extra table cloth wrapped around my waist. When she got to our table, her mother was with her. She introduced herself and I told her who I was and she lit up and was excited to see me after so many years. It then occurred to me that she was in town for the 10 year reunion. I admitted that I would have completely missed it because I had forgotten and was going with my fiancé to see another house his mother might buy out in the country near Indiana. When she said goodbye, I remember thinking I should hurry up and put my jeans back on before anyone saw….but I stood up and wrapped three sheets of paper around my left calf like I was making make-shift pant-legs out of them. Then, I strung a rubber band around my leg to keep the papers rolled around my leg. Before I got to the other leg my alarm went off.
Afterward we went to dinner. (At this point, I’m with my actual fiancé, Josh). We were sitting at a table at an outdoor restaurant on the property of an old barn. Our table was enclosed kind of like a phone booth, but bigger. We spotted this girl Laura who went to my high school and her cute blonde boyfriend at a table across the way. I haven’t seen her in 10 years and we kept looking at them. When they got up from the table to go out and pay, she saw Josh staring at her and she walked over to our table. For some reason I had taken my jeans off, so I had an extra table cloth wrapped around my waist. When she got to our table, her mother was with her. She introduced herself and I told her who I was and she lit up and was excited to see me after so many years. It then occurred to me that she was in town for the 10 year reunion. I admitted that I would have completely missed it because I had forgotten and was going with my fiancé to see another house his mother might buy out in the country near Indiana. When she said goodbye, I remember thinking I should hurry up and put my jeans back on before anyone saw….but I stood up and wrapped three sheets of paper around my left calf like I was making make-shift pant-legs out of them. Then, I strung a rubber band around my leg to keep the papers rolled around my leg. Before I got to the other leg my alarm went off.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Last night in my dreams, I was making a care package of some sort. At first I thought it was to donate to a nonprofit that would give it to a child in need. It had snacks, cereal, juice boxes, and a bunch of other stuff. Then, all of a sudden I had a baby elephant next to me. I had fostered this baby elephant and it was going away somewhere. I opened up the big bag that held the contents of the care package to show my fiancé what I had packed. I then pulled out big grey sweatpants and told him I had packed them so the elephant would have something that smelled like me and feel at home once he’s gone.
I took the cute little elephant outside and he started running down the street with a huge elephant smile on his face. He thought it was so funny to be running from me…his black leash dragging on the ground behind him as I chased him…
And then I woke up.
I took the cute little elephant outside and he started running down the street with a huge elephant smile on his face. He thought it was so funny to be running from me…his black leash dragging on the ground behind him as I chased him…
And then I woke up.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
So I'm switching gears. I never write in here anymore, but since I've been having weird dreams, it's all I've wanted to share with people...so why not share it here? Most days I wake up after having strange dreams and remember every bit of them....but forget 10 minutes later and always wish I had written them down. My goal is to open up my computer first thing in the morning and record the absurd dreams from the night before.
I told a friend of mine about this idea, and she encouraged me...and sent me the following which is a perfect start to this chapter of my blog:
(via)
I told a friend of mine about this idea, and she encouraged me...and sent me the following which is a perfect start to this chapter of my blog:
(via)
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Three months with no post. Suppose I'm not a true writer as I don't have the right 'flow' or consistency to keep a blog anyone will care about.
Today I just feel happy and blessed. Blessed to have what I have. Blessed to have an amazing supportive family...a job that pays me to do good things...friends that put up with me...and a man who loves me deeply. I go through loads of ups and downs. One day I'm floating with butterflies in my stomach and nothing but positive happy thoughts and dreams. Another day I'm frustrated and ready for the next thing. Hoping that something will happen to bring everything together to make those dreams from more positive days reality. I realize all I can do is my best. Keep praying and trying and stickin' to it, whatever 'it' is. Enjoying the journey rather than wanting everything to happen immediately at once.
What is next? WHEN is next? I wish I had insight into the next steps on my journey so I could plan everything else around it. Knowing when the light at the end of the tunnel will appear would help me feel more confident. Even if it's a long ways out - knowing it exists would be comfort.
Hope.
Today I just feel happy and blessed. Blessed to have what I have. Blessed to have an amazing supportive family...a job that pays me to do good things...friends that put up with me...and a man who loves me deeply. I go through loads of ups and downs. One day I'm floating with butterflies in my stomach and nothing but positive happy thoughts and dreams. Another day I'm frustrated and ready for the next thing. Hoping that something will happen to bring everything together to make those dreams from more positive days reality. I realize all I can do is my best. Keep praying and trying and stickin' to it, whatever 'it' is. Enjoying the journey rather than wanting everything to happen immediately at once.
What is next? WHEN is next? I wish I had insight into the next steps on my journey so I could plan everything else around it. Knowing when the light at the end of the tunnel will appear would help me feel more confident. Even if it's a long ways out - knowing it exists would be comfort.
Hope.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Friday, December 18, 2009
I have a few books by a woman named Sabrina Ward Harrison. She is a beautiful, personal artist and writes about life things along with her art. Anyway...I was reading through some of the pages I had marked a while back and wanted to share a few of my favorites with you (from the book Spilling Open):
"Oh this is what I need in love: spinning in the sun an laughing really hard. I need desire and "Ahhh's" and I need to be told brave true words. I need myself just as I am. I need my voice. I need a partner who will giggle & cherish me to my bones. I need real, real, real genuineness and and I need strength. I need true loving gestures & lots of drawing on the floor. I need honest dinner time talking. I need to be met halfway. I need to feel needed. I need to surrender. I need to feel understood. I need to not be mocked when I am being real. I need true kindness and love that glows brightly."
"Remember I don't have to be cool. I do not have to be slender. I do not have to be tricky. I do not have to be smooth. I do not have to be silent. I do not have to be loud. I do not have to be slick. I do not have to be her. I do not have to be loved by him to be okay. I do not have to hold on so tightly. I do not have to agree to be accepted. I do not have to wear cover-up. I do not have to be covered-up. I do not have to predict. I do not have to prepare (for the pain). I do not have to grasp. I do not have to have the answer. I do not have to be better. I do not have to be cool. I only have to be who I am."
"I think God leaves me alone to let me find my own strength because no one else can give it to me for me. Sometimes it is very lonely - but I know the lonely times teach me the most. I must let go in order to let everything in."
"Knowing someone else's life is passing away makes me want to show up living now - not 'then' when 'things' are taken care of and the weather is warm. TODAY I have a chance to make a difference now. I have the chance to help heal some of my own broken places and hopefully someone else's. We must realize that what we do matters. Our love matters truly. What remains that is good to others long after I am gone (that's why we are here). Life is too short to be cruel. It is too short to suck-in, hold in, not forgive. We just don't have time. Love is all there is to do. Forgive yourself."
"I am realizing that I am enough as is - a work in progress. I have looked at the love that surrounds me...the new love and hidden love and desired love. But something changes when I slowly turn my love towards myself. That's when my life becomes vividly full color. I think in healing ourselves we can take part in healing the world. I can see the life in me, I can stop hiding my freckles. I can look deeply into my own eyes and high up into the branches of trees. I can become myself."
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