From what I remember of last night's dream:

Josh and I went to the Contemporary Art Museum in San Diego (although it did not look like the actual museum in San Diego). When I turned around one dark corner, Josh was amidst the art completely naked. He thought he was being funny until I yelled at him and said they have security cameras and we could get arrested. He started sprinting for the front door and I tried to yell at him to come back as I grabbed his pile of clothes off the floor…

Last night I dreamt I went house hunting with my boyfriend and his mother (both of whom I didn’t recognize in real life). His m om had carpel tunnel and couldn’t get the needle and thread out of a piece of fabric so we helped. She gave us a tour of this house they were looking at and was talking about how it only had one bedroom so they weren’t sure about it. When we got to the bedroom, it wasn’t even enclosed with a door - it was more of a wide hallway that was big enough for bedroom furniture. In the back behind this hallway-type room, there was a small door that the three of us walked through and it was a skinny long room just big enough for a couple bunk beds end-to-end. That’s where my boyfriend was going to stay. It was so strange.

Afterward we went to dinner. (At this point, I’m with my actual fiancé, Josh). We were sitting at a table at an outdoor restaurant on the property of an old barn. Our table was enclosed kind of like a phone booth, but bigger. We spotted this girl Laura who went to my high school and her cute blonde boyfriend at a table across the way. I haven’t seen her in 10 years and we kept looking at them. When they got up from the table to go out and pay, she saw Josh staring at her and she walked over to our table. For some reason I had taken my jeans off, so I had an extra table cloth wrapped around my waist. When she got to our table, her mother was with her. She introduced herself and I told her who I was and she lit up and was excited to see me after so many years. It then occurred to me that she was in town for the 10 year reunion. I admitted that I would have completely missed it because I had forgotten and was going with my fiancé to see another house his mother might buy out in the country near Indiana. When she said goodbye, I remember thinking I should hurry up and put my jeans back on before anyone saw….but I stood up and wrapped three sheets of paper around my left calf like I was making make-shift pant-legs out of them. Then, I strung a rubber band around my leg to keep the papers rolled around my leg. Before I got to the other leg my alarm went off.

Last night in my dreams, I was making a care package of some sort. At first I thought it was to donate to a nonprofit that would give it to a child in need. It had snacks, cereal, juice boxes, and a bunch of other stuff. Then, all of a sudden I had a baby elephant next to me. I had fostered this baby elephant and it was going away somewhere. I opened up the big bag that held the contents of the care package to show my fiancé what I had packed. I then pulled out big grey sweatpants and told him I had packed them so the elephant would have something that smelled like me and feel at home once he’s gone.

I took the cute little elephant outside and he started running down the street with a huge elephant smile on his face. He thought it was so funny to be running from me…his black leash dragging on the ground behind him as I chased him…

And then I woke up.

So I'm switching gears. I never write in here anymore, but since I've been having weird dreams, it's all I've wanted to share with people...so why not share it here? Most days I wake up after having strange dreams and remember every bit of them....but forget 10 minutes later and always wish I had written them down. My goal is to open up my computer first thing in the morning and record the absurd dreams from the night before.

I told a friend of mine about this idea, and she encouraged me...and sent me the following which is a perfect start to this chapter of my blog:

(via)

Three months with no post. Suppose I'm not a true writer as I don't have the right 'flow' or consistency to keep a blog anyone will care about.

Today I just feel happy and blessed. Blessed to have what I have. Blessed to have an amazing supportive family...a job that pays me to do good things...friends that put up with me...and a man who loves me deeply. I go through loads of ups and downs. One day I'm floating with butterflies in my stomach and nothing but positive happy thoughts and dreams. Another day I'm frustrated and ready for the next thing. Hoping that something will happen to bring everything together to make those dreams from more positive days reality. I realize all I can do is my best. Keep praying and trying and stickin' to it, whatever 'it' is. Enjoying the journey rather than wanting everything to happen immediately at once.

What is next? WHEN is next? I wish I had insight into the next steps on my journey so I could plan everything else around it. Knowing when the light at the end of the tunnel will appear would help me feel more confident. Even if it's a long ways out - knowing it exists would be comfort.

Hope.

Love.

Stress. Worry. Anxiety.

But lots more Love.

And for that I am thankful.

I have a few books by a woman named Sabrina Ward Harrison. She is a beautiful, personal artist and writes about life things along with her art. Anyway...I was reading through some of the pages I had marked a while back and wanted to share a few of my favorites with you (from the book Spilling Open):

"Oh this is what I need in love: spinning in the sun an laughing really hard. I need desire and "Ahhh's" and I need to be told brave true words. I need myself just as I am. I need my voice. I need a partner who will giggle & cherish me to my bones. I need real, real, real genuineness and and I need strength. I need true loving gestures & lots of drawing on the floor. I need honest dinner time talking. I need to be met halfway. I need to feel needed. I need to surrender. I need to feel understood. I need to not be mocked when I am being real. I need true kindness and love that glows brightly."

"Remember I don't have to be cool. I do not have to be slender. I do not have to be tricky. I do not have to be smooth. I do not have to be silent. I do not have to be loud. I do not have to be slick. I do not have to be her. I do not have to be loved by him to be okay. I do not have to hold on so tightly. I do not have to agree to be accepted. I do not have to wear cover-up. I do not have to be covered-up. I do not have to predict. I do not have to prepare (for the pain). I do not have to grasp. I do not have to have the answer. I do not have to be better. I do not have to be cool. I only have to be who I am."

"I think God leaves me alone to let me find my own strength because no one else can give it to me for me. Sometimes it is very lonely - but I know the lonely times teach me the most. I must let go in order to let everything in."

"Knowing someone else's life is passing away makes me want to show up living now - not 'then' when 'things' are taken care of and the weather is warm. TODAY I have a chance to make a difference now. I have the chance to help heal some of my own broken places and hopefully someone else's. We must realize that what we do matters. Our love matters truly. What remains that is good to others long after I am gone (that's why we are here). Life is too short to be cruel. It is too short to suck-in, hold in, not forgive. We just don't have time. Love is all there is to do. Forgive yourself."

"I am realizing that I am enough as is - a work in progress. I have looked at the love that surrounds me...the new love and hidden love and desired love. But something changes when I slowly turn my love towards myself. That's when my life becomes vividly full color. I think in healing ourselves we can take part in healing the world. I can see the life in me, I can stop hiding my freckles. I can look deeply into my own eyes and high up into the branches of trees. I can become myself."

A childhood friend, John's band: Apollo Run.

I'm off to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with my family tomorrow! Merry Christmas...

I need some Christmas spirit. Yes, it's just now December, but I feel like I'm missing out on the holidays and if I'm careful, they'll pass right by without me even noticing. This was my first Thanksgiving not in Ohio and it was just weird. I've always flown back to Ohio for Thanksgiving to be with family and friends. We relax at home, play games as a family, have the Farmer family over for dinner and just laugh a lot. And I get to spend time with favorite high school friends. And it's colder and holiday-like.

Being in California for Thanksgiving was different because of the weather, but also because it was a change in tradition. We didn't spend the day with the Farmers and we didn't have a nice casual intimate dinner. We were lucky enough to be with our family friends out here, but it was a much bigger more elaborate deal than I'm used to...and I missed out on seeing my best friends and, more importantly, the birth of little Calleigh McCane. Oh I was so sad Wednesday and Thursday of last week.

Now I'm craving just a little bit of the holiday spirit. I will be going with my family to Mexico on vacation for Christmas, so I won't get that warm homey feeling then, either. I get to visit Ohio next weekend and get a little taste of home, but other than that I will have to get to work here bringing the holidays into our apartment. I started with some Christmas lights around the TV to make me feel better.

Perhaps I will convince my roommate to come with me and actually go out and buy a real tree for the first time since I was about 10.